What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 12:34
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i lived it daily.
Especially a lifetime of it.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But, we were locked up after school.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He knew the spot.
This is soul school!.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She loved him until the end.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why is it so hard to date nowadays?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
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I said to her
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
All the time i was locked up.
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I will be 64.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One cannot live in the past .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im still living with it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We all went to grammer schools
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was scared of men, in general
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When she asked me how she looked .
My life is so biszare .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So, i spoilt her more .
I was seconnd youngest,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My family never makes their pension either.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
(And it was in our own minds.)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was very sick at this time too.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Would this be the day?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were not on the streets..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I don,t even have a pension.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She was in good health!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
So whats the point in blame.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
But it wasn’t much.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He resisted the act ,that day.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Who then, do I blame.?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I never cut or harmed myself..
It was going to be , some day.
Put me off passion for life!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
What did i know ?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She found it foreign!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She married twice! .
I write beautiful poetry .
I was 9 years of age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Comes on , in middle age.